WHEN TO GET HELP

Recently I heard of a friend in the Midwest whose parents lived in another state. It wouldn't matter if the parents lived next door. My friend was concerned because on a visit she witnessed her father angrily chasing her mother with his walker. She reported that her mother was experiencing some dementia. She wondered if it was time to move them out of their home into a care facility.

The answer would appear to be obvious, wouldn't it?

But we are not emotionally invested in this particular couple. We are invested in the busyness of our own families, the hope that our parents are doing okay with only slight lapses and minor care needs. We forget that we can all put on a good show for the duration of a visit.

So what is this allure of staying in your own home so long that when you do get moved you suffer confusion and adjusting causes delusions we didn't suffer before? How important is our stuff and do we or our parents need all this stuff? Is the homestead as important to our kids as we like to think? You can add another half dozen thoughts to the list.

When is it time to get help? When you first need to ask the question.

SELF-COMPASSION

Guest Post from A Boomer's Guide to Eldercare by Alice Kalso

Self-Compassion? It's the Key to Coping With Your Aging Parent November 30 caps off National Caregiver Month.  All month long,  senior centers nationwide have offered workshops, including one I attended  November 5 at Northshore Senior Center in Bothell, Washington. "Self-Compassion for the Caregiver" explained self-compassion and offered tips to achieve it.  In my view, it's a great subject for us who care for our aging parents. What is self-compassion?  Workshop leaders Janet Zielasko and Jeannie DeSmet cited the work of Dr. Kristin Neff, author of "Self-Compassion:  Stop Beating Yourself and Leave Insecurity Behind."  According to her, self-compassion involves viewing ourselves kindly, offering the same level of support and understanding we would give a friend. If you care for your aging parent--either full or part-time--you can't do everything perfectly.  You're human, and you have too many things to do.  But Neff's research suggests that all of us, including caregivers of aging parents--can be healthier, if we accept our weaknesses and give ourselves a break.  Preliminary data seems to indicate that people who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety.  They're happier and more optimistic. So how do we do it?  Zielasko and DeSmet gave three keys to self-compassion to workshop participants, who were mainly caregivers. 1.  Cultivate self-kindness.  Western culture stresses kindness to others, but not too ourselves.  When you get angry with an aging parent, your first reaction might be, "I should be more patient.  I shouldn't get angry."  But then you get angry with yourself for getting angry.  Self-compassion asks you to remind yourself that you are human and the situation is difficult.  DeSmet suggests actually comforting yourself when you don't measure up to your own standards, and giving yourself tolerance and forgiveness.  "Make a peace offering to yourself of warmth and empathy." 2.  Recognize our common humanity.  When we're in a difficult situation, it helps to be around others who, too, may be struggling in some way.  Support groups, either online or in person, are one way we can find strength to be kinder to ourselves.  So can church groups, going out to coffee with friends, and jogging with a neighbor.  One of the best benefits of being with people, in any setting, is laughing at the situations we find ourselves in.  That's a bonus all in itself. 3.  Be mindful of your situation.  Mindfulness is holding our experience in balance, neither exaggerating it or denying it, says DeSmet.  "When we're mindful there's less need to escape a painful situation.  Our motivation is to 'care,' not to 'cure.'"  Happiness stems from loving ourselves--and our lives--as they are, she adds.  One way to aid in mindfulness is to practice deep breathing, which anchors our minds.  As we do, we can stop, look and listen, observing our emotions and paying attention to them. A Boomer's Guide to Eldercare

"NO"-Vember

Our Guest writer, Cheryl Ford, comes from Eliminate Chaos© More time for life.

Just Say "NO"-Vember

"No" thank you, "no", maybe next time, "no" I really don't have time, "no" we have other plans, “no”, family comes first, “no” I don't need one. If you start practicing saying no in “no”-vember you will be well versed in it when December arrives and the holidays have jumped upon you. By the time that you have devoured your holiday bird and all of its leftovers you will be a pro at saying no.

I didn’t come up with this idea of “no” on my own. Shortly after Thanksgiving last year, my 26 year-old son sent an email to family members asking that they not give him any holiday gifts. He said “no” to wanting or needing anything and did not see the purpose of everyone buying “stuff” just for the sake of giving ”stuff”.  He told everyone that if they had a hard time not buying him something or not giving him money, that would they please donate to one of several charities that he felt strongly about, or spend extra time participating in a fun family activity together.

At first I was a bit upset at the idea of not getting to buy my son a gift or gifts just because he didn’t want anything! The more I thought about it, the more I warmed up to the idea. The more I discussed it with other members of the family, including my daughter who I had already mailed gifts to, the more everyone was on board with the idea.  Hmmm….what a concept? 

The result was amazing and so stress free, that it was hard to describe the feeling as November rolled into December and I started in with my holiday routine. Suddenly there was “ More Time for Life “ instead of the dreaded shopping list. When I was out in the mall, I had the greatest feeling from saying “no “ to shopping for gifts that I could thoroughly enjoy meeting my friends for a holiday lunch or dinner instead, not to mention the financial bonus. (In my head I was secretly bragging to myself  “I’m all done with my shopping because I never had to start!”) My aging parents were delighted with the idea and very proud of their grandson. They had been telling us for years that they too didn’t want or needed anything, but I guess we just didn’t want to listen to them as we spent hours of frustration each year trying to solve the “what can we get my parents” dilemma.

I unknowingly did give my parents their gift of choice last year….A holiday meal in my home where they got excited about using my great aunt’s silverware and admiring the extra tree in the family room decorated with antique ornaments, recently passed down to me, and not out of their boxes since I was a child. To top if off, my dad was delighted even more to share stories with our last minute brunch guests when he found out that they grew up in the same area of the Midwest as he did.

The point is that all of the good things of the holidays do not need to revolve around presents and holiday party obligations. If you say “no” to TV commercials for toys, moonlight sales at the mall, and people on your Christmas card list that you haven’t seen or talked to in 10 years, it will free up lots of time and money for you to enjoy the traditions that are your favorites. If there are traditions that stress you out, or make you crazy, then they are probably not worth doing just for tradition’s sake. Maybe it is time to delete a few, edit a few, and insert a new one here and there.

I recently asked my grown children what some of their best holiday memories were and I wassurprised, yet not surprised at their answers.  The tradition of making a gingerbread house topped the list (new pajamas came in second), and house decorating is still a tradition today, with the only difference being that they don’t eat as much candy in the process.  One year we tried a glass blowing workshop together and that topped the “best memories “ list for years! Other favorite and repeated holiday traditions in our house include playing board games, assembling a jigsaw puzzle, attending a museum exhibit, and discovering silly things in our Christmas stockings.  In other words, time together, which you can’t shop for at a department store.

So if you want to get a jump on your holiday plans, here is a list of “mind set reminders” to put at the top of all of your other lists.

1.  Start new simpler traditions and give up some of the old complicated ones.

2.  Spend time and money on those you love and care about, not on those you barely know or rarely see.

3.  It is okay to re-gift

4.  It’s about the spirit of the season, not the stuff

5. Don’t be afraid to “Just say No” to the “shoulds” of December. 

We offer you Chery's essay with her permission.

Further information may be found at

http://www.eliminatechaos.com 

Laura Leist offers classes and suggestions for organization. I have used these books:

Eliminate Chaos-The 10-Step Process to Organize Your Home & Life.  Let organizing consultant Laura Leist’s  10-step process show you how to control household clutter in every room of your home.

Business Solutions Using Outlook 2007 with Business Contact Mgr. Ideas to solve every day business challenges.

 

 

NOVEMBER

November is NaNoWriMo and Adagio Lyrics will be on hiatus until December.
Thank you and come back in good health.

National Alzheimer's Project Act NAPAA

If you've watched women's college basketball you have seen the University of Tennessee's legendary coach, Pat Summitt. In 2011 she confirmed she had been diagnosed with early onset dementia, Alzheimer's type. She later told news media that her grandmother had suffered the disease.

On January 4, 2011 President Obama signed into law the National Alzheimer's Project Act (NAPAA). This legislative action passed unanimously by both Houses of Congress. NAPAA establishes an Advisory Council on Alzheimer's research, care and services.

The Advisory Council will develop a national strategic plan to respond to the Alzheimer's crisis and coordinate Alzheimer's disease efforts across the federal government. NAPA will ensure the coordination and evaluation of all national efforts in Alzheimer's research, clinical care, institutional, and home and community-based programs.

One of the most important components of NAPA is that it allows participation in the evaluation and strategic planning process by specialists outside of the federal government including patient advocates, health care providers, state health departments, Alzheimer's researchers and health associations.

Why NAPA?

The Alzheimer's Association was the leading voice in urging Congress and the White House to pass the National Alzheimer's Project Act. With a disease that is already impacting so many Americans, the Association recognized the need for a national, coordinated effort that pools the skills of all those working on the problem. The Alzheimer's Association states the need clearly in its literature:

For too many individuals with Alzheimer's and their families, the system has failed them, and today we are unnecessarily losing the battle against this devastating disease. Alzheimer's is the 6th leading cause of death in the United States and is the only cause of death among the top 10 in America without a way to prevent, cure or even slow it's progression.

Making her announcement, Coach Summitt said she had the company of her son, Tyler, during her time at the Mayo Clinic. He explained his mother's feelings after being diagnosed.  "Nobody accepts this," Tyler said. "And there was anger. 'Why me?' was a question she asked more than once. But then, once she came to terms with it, she treated it like every other challenge she ever had and is going to do everything she possibly can to keep her mind right and stay the course."

To read more go to http://www.alz.org/index.asp

KALEIDOSCOPE

Symmetry is not simple. Before beginning your study, you must choose between reflection symmetry, rotational symmetry, translational, rotoreflection, or helical symmetries, point reflection and other involutive isometries. After which you may study nonisometric, scale symmetry and fractals. At which point my eyes are spinning and definitely not symmetrical.

Random lines and shapes have no place in symmetry. Symmetry is not self-similar like fractals but a near mirror reflection.  It is correspondence in size, shape, and relative position of parts on opposite sides of a dividing line. The bell grading curve is an example. Symmetry is a desirable quality in tree pruning, butterflies, slinky toys, drilling augers and kaleidoscopes.

If you look in your bathroom mirror and draw a line down the middle of the reflection of your face, you will witness lack of symmetry however slight. Eyebrows situate at slightly different positions above eyes that fit into sockets at slightly different angles. While your nose is singular as is your nasal base and your nostrils are two, plastic surgeons can point out multiple opportunities for symmetry or lack thereof. As you transition from age six to sixty you will witness further erosion of your facial symmetry, and further evidence that we naturally lack perfection. As if we needed any proof.

All of which I found intriguing but unnecessary to appreciate the symmetry used in kaleidoscopes. A kaleidoscope utilizes reflection symmetry which is a point of intersection of two or more lines. This symmetry does not change or rotate. It is typically made of three rectangular lengthwise mirrors set at a 45-degree angle in a tube. The tube is then filled with bits of colored glass that tumble and display a symmetrical pattern as the tube is rotated. 

Our fascination with a kaleidoscope begins with the material composition of the tube and bits of color tumbling inside.  You can spend a few dollars or hundreds of dollars depending whether the tube is cardboard, wood or brass. The tube shape may vary in length and circumference thus also affecting the pattern and price.  Perfectly intriguing.

 

 

If you would like to hang a kaleidoscope image on the wall, check out Dawn La Grave’s website www.lagravedesigns.com for a unique, artistic mathematical equation.